If your husband won’t stop drinking, you’ve probably asked yourself the same questions over and over again. How do I get through to him? What can I say that I haven’t already said? How bad does this have to get before he finally realizes what he’s doing?
I know because I was that husband. Early in my marriage, my drinking brought us dangerously close to losing everything. I knew I had a problem, I knew what I was putting my wife through, and I carried a tremendous amount of guilt and shame because of it. But knowing how bad things had become wasn’t enough to make me stop.
Eventually, I reached my bottom, and that looks different for everyone. Today, I am four years sober. My wife and I are still together, we have an amazing son and another child on the way, and recovery has given me a life I could not have imagined when I was drinking. But there is an important part of that story that I understand much better today: my wife could not get sober for me.
If your husband has a drinking problem, you can encourage him to get help, tell him honestly how his drinking is affecting you, and support him when he becomes willing to change. What you cannot do is control whether another adult drinks. What you can control is what you are willing to live with, what you will continue participating in, and how much access his drinking has to your life.
You Cannot Make Someone Want Recovery
One of the most painful things about loving someone with alcohol addiction is realizing that love, logic and consequences do not always produce immediate change. Your husband may already know he has a problem. He may wake up ashamed of what happened the night before, apologize sincerely and promise that this time will be different. He may genuinely mean it when he says he wants to stop and still find himself drinking again.
Alcohol use disorder can involve unsuccessful attempts to cut down, drinking despite problems with family or work, and continuing even when someone knows alcohol is causing serious harm. I experienced those contradictions myself. I loved my wife. I knew I was hurting her by not being present. I enjoyed and took pride in my work, but knew my performance was suffering and putting our livelihood in jeopardy. I knew my health was falling apart. I didn’t want my life to look the way it did, and I still drank.
That doesn’t mean your husband’s behavior should be excused. Addiction can help explain behavior without making that behavior acceptable. It does mean, however, that you may need to stop measuring your own actions by whether they successfully make him stop drinking.
His Drinking May Not Be Within Your Control. Your Life Still Is.
This is one of the most important ideas families can learn from Al-Anon. Its literature on detachment emphasizes that family members are not responsible for another person’s drinking or recovery. It also encourages people not to cover up another person’s mistakes, do things for them that they can do themselves, or prevent them from experiencing the natural consequences of their behavior.
Detachment does not mean that you stop loving your husband or become indifferent to what happens to him. It means beginning to separate your life from the chaos created by his drinking. You may not be able to control whether he drinks tonight, but you can decide that you will not argue with him while he is intoxicated. You may not be able to stop him from spending irresponsibly, but you can decide what access he has to shared finances. You cannot force him to be responsible, but you can stop calling his employer, lying to relatives or cleaning up every problem his drinking creates.
If you have children, those boundaries become even more important. You can decide that they will not ride in a car with someone who has been drinking or remain in situations that feel unsafe or unstable. A boundary is not a rule for someone else’s behavior. It is a decision about yours. There is an enormous difference between saying, “You aren’t allowed to drink anymore,” and saying, “If you are drinking, I will not stay in this situation with you.” One attempts to control another adult. The other establishes what you will do to protect yourself.
Stop Carrying the Addiction for Him
When you love someone, helping comes naturally. The problem is that helping can slowly become enabling. You clean up the crisis, things settle down for a while, and eventually the cycle starts again.
Family-based approaches to alcohol use disorder specifically address this pattern. Community Reinforcement and Family Training, or CRAFT, teaches family members strategies that include improving communication, reducing behaviors that shield someone from the negative consequences of drinking, and taking better care of themselves. Research reviewed by NIAAA supports CRAFT as one approach families can use to encourage someone toward treatment without relying only on confrontation.
Take Care of Yourself Even If He Refuses Help
When one person’s drinking becomes severe, the entire household can begin revolving around that person. You find yourself thinking constantly about whether he is drinking, how much he has had, where he is, whether he will come home, what mood he will be in, and whether tonight will be peaceful or chaotic. Over time, it becomes easy to lose sight of your own life.
Taking care of yourself does not mean you have stopped caring whether your husband gets sober. It means recognizing that his addiction cannot become the center of your entire existence. Consider talking honestly with someone you trust, attending a peer support group for family members of addicts, working with your own therapist, protecting your finances where appropriate, and maintaining friendships, routines and goals outside the turmoil at home.
You do not have to put every hope, dream and plan for your own life on hold while waiting for someone else to change.
What If He Says He’s Ready to Stop Drinking?
If your husband has been refusing help and suddenly reaches a point where he says he cannot continue living this way, take that willingness seriously. You do not need to have every part of his recovery figured out that day, but it is a good time to take the next step while he is open to it.
Alcohol treatment can take many forms. Depending on the severity of someone’s drinking and their individual needs, treatment may include medically supervised withdrawal, residential treatment, outpatient treatment, behavioral therapy, medications for alcohol use disorder and mutual-support programs such as AA.
An assessment from a qualified provider can help determine the appropriate level of care. If he becomes willing to talk about treatment, helping make that next step easier can be useful. That may mean making the phone call together, scheduling an assessment, verifying insurance or simply getting clear information about what treatment options are available.
Don’t Assume He Can Safely Stop Drinking on His Own
If someone has been drinking heavily for a prolonged period, suddenly stopping alcohol can cause withdrawal. In severe cases, alcohol withdrawal can involve seizures, delirium and other potentially life-threatening complications.
This is why “just stop drinking” is not always appropriate medical advice. A professional can help determine whether your husband can safely begin recovery in an outpatient setting or needs medically supervised detox first.
What If His Drinking Becomes Dangerous?
There is a point where this stops being primarily a conversation about recovery and becomes a question of immediate safety. If your husband is driving while intoxicated, threatening suicide, threatening or hurting you or someone else, losing consciousness, having a seizure, experiencing severe confusion or otherwise creating an immediate danger, get emergency help.
Do not put yourself in physical danger trying to personally control someone who is severely intoxicated or behaving violently. If you believe someone is experiencing a medical emergency, call 911. If your husband is experiencing a suicidal or mental health crisis, call or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
It is also important not to minimize intimidation, threats or violence because alcohol is involved. Addiction may be part of the situation, but it does not make abuse acceptable. Your safety and the safety of your children have to come first.
He Doesn’t Have to Lose Everything Before Recovery Is Possible
People talk a lot about “rock bottom” in recovery, and I certainly had mine. But I would never tell another family that they have to wait until someone loses absolutely everything before treatment can work. A bottom can look like losing a job or a marriage, but it can also be waking up one morning and finally becoming willing to listen.
For me, recovery began when I had nowhere left to turn. I finally became honest about what alcohol was doing to my life and those around me, open-minded enough to believe that another way of living might actually work, and willing to follow the direction of people who had recovered before me. I wish I could tell every husband struggling with alcohol that he does not have to lose his marriage, his children, his career, his home or everything else he cares about before asking for help. Nobody could make that decision for me, though. My bottom was mine.
Four years later, my life is almost unrecognizable from what it was. More than anything, I get to be present for a life that alcohol nearly took away from me. Recovery is possible, but willingness matters.
If Your Husband Won’t Stop Drinking, You Still Have Choices
If your husband is not willing today, that does not mean you are powerless. You can still love your husband and hope that he finds recovery without sacrificing your own future, or your personal or financial well-being.
If he does become willing, help is available. Northstar Recovery Center provides outpatient substance use treatment for adults throughout Massachusetts, with in-person and virtual options designed to meet people at different stages of recovery. If your husband is ready to consider treatment, our team can help determine what level of care may be appropriate and what the next step should be. Family members can also reach out for guidance and resources even when a loved one is still struggling.
For additional support, Al-Anon provides meetings and resources for people affected by another person’s drinking. SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) is also a free, confidential, 24/7 treatment referral and information service for individuals and families dealing with substance use and mental health concerns.
You may not be able to make your husband stop drinking, but you do not have to let his drinking decide what happens to the rest of your life.
